I’m getting tired of hearing from executive and former executive women with grown children who have suddenly come to the realization that having a fulfilling career and a family is hard. Recently these women have talked down to today’s working mothers, letting us know once and for all that we can’t “have it all”, that we shouldn’t strive for “perfection”, and that they wouldn’t recommend their daughters follow the same path.
Thanks for the tips.
Let me put fears to rest. Today’s working mothers are under no illusions. We know that it’s hard because we live it every day, and because many of us have studied the data and know what we’re up against. The last thing we need is the women who should be our mentors, who should offer practical advice and support, telling us that our ambitions are unrealistic. Of course, this is untrue. Just ask any of the women who have been writing: they are a former Director of Policy for the US State Department, the President of Barnard, and the former editor of Good Housekeeping, among others.
The alternative would be to offer real, usable advice. Write a piece that gives actual, from the trenches advice about navigating a corporate career track while having kids. Be honest about hiring help and enlisting spousal and family support. Look back at the amazing successes, and acknowledge that no one can know whether your career ambitions harmed or helped your family. Plenty of stay at home parents have trouble with their kids, and lots of working parents have paragons of achievement. And vice versa.
Even more to the point, many of these women are in positions to actually enact change at least in their own companies, if not more broadly. They could be testing innovative policies and exploring new solutions. They could be writing about that. Fascinating indeed that the only company I’ve heard publicly exploring these issues and publishing data is Google, run by mostly men.
But writing substantively about these issues doesn’t sell magazines or drive traffic. It doesn’t foment the same kind of conflict and culture wars. Leaving me to surmise that there is a coterie of women at a certain level who are positioning themselves to write books or become talking heads at the expense of my generation of women. They know that their perspectives are controversial, and that’s why they take them.
What is most troubling about these puff pieces on women’s abilities is that the women writing are indeed benefiting greatly from their high-level positions. It’s easy to tell women not to be the best and brightest once you’re already at the top, making a handsome salary with lots of opportunities ahead of you as a writer and speaker, even after you’ve left your current job. Who are these women to tell middle and senior level managers that they should stay put, forgoing the same opportunities?
I don’t doubt that those who came before us have plenty of knowledge to share — I’ve been the beneficiary of a lot of it from a lot of wonderful mentors. But these articles aren’t that. Where are the mentors when we really need them?
Good post! I agree with your point about needing mentors to explain the mechanics of how to manage things as a working mom. But then I went and read the article about not trying to be perfect, and I actually sort of like it. I liked parts of the Slaughter article, too. I wonder if these women are trying to give advice, as best as they can, but don’t feel like they’ve got the details in their lives “just right” so are more comfortable speaking in broad generalities?
I’ll also say that any time I’ve ventured into specifics on my blog, I am likely to get at least one comment telling me that either I’m doing it all wrong or that my experience is not universal and therefore can be ignored. So perhaps I’m sympathetic to the impulse to avoid specifics!
While I can understand your frustration to a point, I think there is some (more than some) truth to what these women are saying.
I’ve often heard the following two reflections, which, while not sexy, really resonate to me ( a professional mom of two young kids in a dual-income household). They are (paraphrasing):
1) you can have it all, just not at the exact same time— it’s just a fact of life that there are so many hours in a day, and if you are hyper-focused on work, it is impossible to also be focused on home with the same intensity. There is an ebb and flow to life with careers and kids.
2) you can have two jobs, but only one career(in the same household, that is) — if you are intensely focused on advancing your career, it’s got to be priority number 1. No sick kids, helping in the kids classroom, etc. Travel cannot be planned around family life, etc. Which means the bending and schedule flexibilty has to come from the spouse’s job… Of couse you can call on family/friends/ staff if you can afford them in extreme situations, but day in and day out sustaining two “careers” simultaneously with small kids at home is really tough, to say the least. Unless your kids are being raised by a staff of professional nannies, that is, in which case, what’s the point in having them?
Wanted to share my perspective from my current phase of life, it may all change next year, but this is how things seem to me now. Any working mom can attest to the struggle of conflicting priorities though everyone’s specific situation is of course unique.
Agree! So you will have to be a mentor
And if you find a source for good ones let me know. I too have craved a true mentor in my field – a businesswoman who has been successful at work and family. I know it exists; I struggle every day and while many could argue I’m successful at neither I’ve had young women look up at me and ask “how do you do it?” In moments like those I realize that I’m that mentor for them – the model for how to balance. Now that’s scary! For these women’s sake, I could use some advice to better make this work!
“Unless your kids are being raised by a staff of professional nannies, that is, in which case, what’s the point in having them?”
Comments like this are so unfortunate, and they feed into a patriarchal culture of maternal guilt.
When we say “parents” in this context we’re really just talking about women, whether we admit that or not. Equating a woman’s use of nannies with not being an involved or worthy mother makes me really, really, uncomfortable, particularly if the person talking hasn’t experienced life with a challenging baby, or a special needs child. Here’s another iteration of this sentiment, complete with loads of unspoken class elements:
http://blog.syracuse.com/family/2008/07/its_2_am_your_infant.html
Must each and every complaint about some other woman’s use of paid childcare contain zingers like “Why do they have children in the first place?” As one of the commenters to that terrible article so well puts it: “The idea that the kid won’t know the difference between parent and nanny is one of those horror stories that people who can’t afford a luxury tell themselves so they don’t feel left out.”
Nobody ever says that a traditional corporate father, with the SAH wife sometimes assisted by nannies, who only sees his kids on the weekends when he’s not golfing should have never had his kids in the first place. But when it’s an economically-successful mother who employs nannies and isn’t married to a SAH dad – suddenly people (even ones who call themselves feminists) ask “what’s the point in having kids”? It’s total bullshit.
Hello Mama Bee! Kudos to that – where ARE the mentors when we need them most? I heard Beth Stewart (CEO of Trewstar) say on TV that ‘the reason why there aren’t more than 21% of women CEO;s is that what happens between ages 30 and 40.’ This makes me so mad! until we ‘solve’ WHAT? She did not really find a better way to say ‘family, children, motherhood’… it’s just ‘something that happens between 30 and 40′. Yet the woman has 5 kids herself…